This Rare Bird

But I am a rare bird, and one of an acquired taste. I’ve got broken bits and baggage to claim, knots to untie, and disclosures to make…

But when you see me spread my wings you’ll find

the remiges glossy and strong, with fibers so finely woven. And the down lying underneath is tickling, soft,  familiar.

Ride on my back and I will show you great heights.                                                    Hold me in your hand and I will not fly.                                                                       Stroke my head and I will surrender.                                                                                Retreat to my wing and I will keep you warm.

What color are my wings to be? Imagine and you will never know their full beauty.

Take in the bird before you. I am waiting for your gentle hand.

Times Forgotten

I recently came across a photo of me sitting on Santa’s lap. It was 1981 and I was 3 1/2. Of course I have no recollection of taking that photo but I do remember the Sears department store downtown very vaguely but fondly and with a bit of wonder. You would never know if now, the building and the street are desperately deserted and lonely, but back in my early years the Sears downtown was bustling and modern, especially at Christmas. The window displays were elaborate and splendid, filled with Christmas and Fairy tale scenes. They were mechanical to boot, the shop windows would come alive for the month of December, a magical mannequin circus.

My favorite scene was The Princess and the Pea. The prince in his plumed hat and billowing sleeves, the princess with her long and flowing golden hair, perched atop her twenty mattresses and twenty feather beds, all in slow-motion gestures I didn’t understand, all bathed in silver and gold and sparkling snow. I know there were at least two more extravagant scenes but not one stuck out in my mind. I would stand outside, mesmerized by their dance, imagining I was the princess, taken in and found to be of royalty. I wanted to be found.

My mother would take me inside to shop around through “the magic staircase” as I called it because we would walk into the stairwell and be spat out onto another floor of shiny new things. Once particular floor contained the Secret Santa shop where kids could go and pick out some useless bauble for their parents to open on Christmas Day. I loved to give them gifts.

There’s no trace of that place now. It lives in my head where it will surely one day be lost. The times of the fond and fuzzy carefree holiday has gone by the wayside. Here I am, ten o’ clock on Christmas eve, alone in my fluffy blue bathrobe, snug in my bed with my dog and a glass of wine. I cherish these moments too because this time is all I have. I long for a family of my own, new traditions and memories, someone to share my life with. So much that my heart aches terribly sometimes. But now is all I have. The whistle of the trains and the whisper of the freeway in the distance. My dog by my side, an occasional sigh and stretching out  against my leg. Tomorrow is Christmas Day, a gift of another day as the sun rises and shines and moves me forward. Forward is all I have. It’s all I need.

I am grateful.

Times Like These

The campus is muted and still except for the rustling trees against the crisp lavender sky mixed with the echos of my clicking heels on the pavement. and the distant bellows from a soccer game near the library. It’s Christmas time Mama. and it’s during these times I miss your smile and your laugh the most, I’m so afraid I’ll forget. Do you have facebook in heaven, Mama? Well, I I know I can talk to you in lots of ways. I’ll play for you and write you letters and burn them and send them to where you are. I’ll keep you close to my heart because the traces of you remind me you are not dead, just somewhere else now, somewhere better. Merry Christmas Mama, I love you.

My Most Important Day of the Year – a love letter

My Dearest Cari,

Today is a very special day for you, I know. It represents the closing of a chapter in your life and the beginning of a new and unknown territory. The unique and beautiful qualities you inherited from your mother truly shine in you, and it’s those qualities and your own special way about you that I love so much. I wake up every morning feeling so lucky to have you in my life and being with you is such a joy, even through the toughest times; the times I need you the most. I look forward to the rest of my life with you in it and the challenges of life that lie ahead. You are the most beautiful woman I know in myriad ways and I love you more and more with each passing day.

Yours in the Future and Always,

Mister Right.

Love Lesson Learned

Love

Doesn’t always come wrapped in a shiny box with a pretty bow. The one you love may not may not think the way you do. They may have habits you can’t stand.

They may have mountains to climb.

They may not look the way you pictured. A little blonder, a little older. Maybe a bigger nose than you thought you could stand

but it’s the most beautiful nose you’ve ever seen.

Love

Gives us the courage to let it go and the reassurance that it will come around again. It may come in a different box, packaged in a different way, with a funkier bow or a shinier wrapper. Or maybe it will be wrinkled and scarred. It doesn’t come around often but when it does

and it does

 

Lesson learned.

 

The Web

Like a moth to a flame
I am drawn to you
Addicted to the addict
lover of the lovelorn
scratching at some distant feeling
that you could save me
if I could only get to you
Using you to right my life
My imperfection is exposed

The Gender Verdict

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about an incredibly touchy subject that lurks and stews in the minds of women and men all over the world:

Is it really possible for men and women to be friends?

My verdict is in and the answer is…

(drum roll)

Yes.

Now some people out there will just shake their heads and say, “Of course!” We live in an age where men and women share the same careers, and women are now on a little more of an even playing field than we were just twenty years ago. If you don’t believe me you might want to revisit just about any classic film of the 1980′s. But it’s a little more complicated than that. Or maybe not, depending on who you talk to .

I’ve had lots of male friends. I was in a band in high school with boys so we spent a lot of time together. I had a few close girlfriends, but the ones I could always count on were the boys. Why is that? Well, girls always seemed caught up in so much drama and back-stabbing. Dudes didn’t do that. And well frankly, I was too insecure to deal with that crap. Even through college I tended to lean towards the guy friends. It doesn’t matter why really, I just knew that my guy friends would have my back when some other girls would turn on a dime.

Here’s where I say, “But wait! There’s more!”

I knew that a couple of those guy friends had extra friendly feelings towards me. And sometimes they showed it.

We’re attracted to people of the opposite sex for a reason. Right? I’m sure there’s been lots of studies done that show that most friendships between men and women started with some sort of physical attraction to one another.

Now I know where you think I’m going, but just hold on a minute. I’m in my thirties now and my guy to girl friend ratio is declining. But one of my dearest friends is a guy. I love him. Like a BROTHER. How do I know this? I made out with him one night and it felt like I was kissing my brother. Of course he initiated the make-out session but when we came up for air we both had the same perplexed look on our faces. No way would we be doing that again. EVER. That was over ten years ago and we’ve decided that we must have been siblings in a past life. I’m not saying that you’ve got to act on any physical tension you might have in a platonic relationship, but I think you at least have to acknowledge that it’s there. Chances are, at least one of you has felt a little frisky, even if it’s just a little.

So why go to all that trouble? Some of you on the other end of the spectrum might not understand. Maybe you men out there have always been around sensitive men that will listen to your problems. Maybe you women have surrounded yourself with other capable and strong women who can change the flat tire on your car and make you feel pretty.

But the truth is,

It feels really good to have a man who will come over and fix the sink. Someone I can ask for advice. Someone who isn’t going to break my heart or be a dick. He’ll tell me that I’m awesome and mean it. Hell tell me to suck it up and it won’t hurt my feelings. I won’t be wondering if he’ll call. AND he might even wipe the cookie dough off your face when you’re drowning your sorrows after a break up. (that one’s never happened to me).

It feels really good to have a girl around who appreciates you. Who needs your help and won’t be disappointed because it’s not good enough. You won’t let her down. You can open up and talk a little more freely because you’re not out to impress her. She’ll give you good date ideas. You don’t have anything to prove.

Sounds too good to be true, right? Sometimes it is if you don’t play your cards right. There comes a time when we start to seriously search for a mate. Someone to be our best friend. Someone to share our deepest feelings and dreams with. Someone who knows you, loves you, and takes you with every flaw you’ve got.

**NEWS FLASH ***

That person IS NOT your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend. That person IS NOT your best friend that you have such a great connection to but just isn’t your type. That person is your lover. If it isn’t then you seriously need to reevaluate your life.

For my best guy friend, this just happened naturally. He started seeing a girl and they’ve been together for four years now. Since they began dating, our friendship has stayed strong but we don’t hang out together alone as much as we used to. We don’t share as much as we used to. I was a little sad about that when I realized what was happening but I really respect it. He really digs her. I think that’s the way it should work.

I’m definitely not the type to say you’ve got to ditch your platonic friends as soon as you enter a romantic relationship. I don’t do that. But I think it’s a good idea to take a look at the dynamics of your romantic relationship and your friendships. It’s natural to question the relationships your significant other has with the opposite sex It’s OK if you feel uncomfortable. It’s OK to talk about it. And I mean this within reason. We can get into infidelity, trust issues, and insecurities in another episode.

It all comes down to respect. If you really love someone, you want them to be happy, right? Being in a relationship means taking another person’s feelings into account as well as your own. It Doesn’t mean giving into the feelings of another, or feeling responsible for the happiness of someone else. It doesn’t mean that you should change your values or your principles. And you don’t always have to agree. But you do need to come to an understanding of what is important to the person closest to you. If you love them, you will honor those things.

So go on. Go to a movie with her. Change the light bulbs in her bathroom. It’ll make you feel like a man. No no, it’s alright. Ask him to come with you to buy that car. You’ll feel safe. And yeah, you’ll most likely get a better deal. Just don’t forget she’s got an innie and he’s got an outie. There’s a reason.

Trust me.